Suddenly I See

It may not seem like a big thing to most people, actually, to anybody at all. One might think that the frenzy I create over the acquisition of something as a milestone in my small life is pretentious, ridiculous, dramatic and just bordering on sheer lunacy (case in point: Wacom Tablet). Trying to make something into what its not.

But I alone know what these small acquisitions mean and represent and though the time space continuum shifts are small (if changed at all) by these, the amount of history, inflection and heartache traversed to be able to reach this point is something only I can understand and few others can appreciate. Actually, only two.

I finally did it. July 23rd, 2008. I finally got off my lazy ass, defied all laws and rules (of this damn establishment) and went and became the independent version of the self cast in my mind. I got contacts.

That's right. What to some may seem so infitesimal a move so as to be laughable is actually to me a shift in the direction (whether right or wrong, who knows, that classifcation is partial and arbitrary). Sounding louder than the superficial or practical reasons for getting them are the consequences of getting them. I defied and turned a deaf ear to adversities (read, my ridiculous brown parents - yes that was necessary), harnessed the power of my financial selfworth (which is newfound and quite wonderful as aggravating as the job may be) and I got out of this state of self deprecation and hopeless frustrating loss.

I quit daydreaming, speculating, hoping, wishing, fearing, guilting, casting, and blindly feeling around for fucking once and actually took that paintbrush and not only painted that view of myself but filled it up. In colour.

I have waited for this turn for about 5 years now. I've waited for the image in my mind which is both physical and this freer spiritual concept of myself to match the short, kiddy, inadequate, slightly dumpy looking thing that I actually am. I feel more grand. No, I always feel grand in my head but now I feel grand about feeling grand. It is, without a doubt, most lovely.

Progression and progressive. World be damned. That was always my attitude. Then why do I fear? Why does it take me so long to act upon? Is it that I'm a paper tiger? Is it that I lack the energy or the sense of excitement and life that I'm always talking about achieving? Or do I just suffer from the same ailment as so many others: content to dream and hope but scared that fulfiling that image may lead me to idleness once that image has been filled up; scare, in short of the end being less impressive than the journey? I'm impulsive but only when it comes to emotions and taking action on those; what about reaching the better state of things, shouldn't I be more heady with those? Oh, and I plan to (hah, irony), once I have the luxury of jumping without looking. For now I'll cast a quick gleeful glance at my list and cross yet another wonderful thing off it.

Next stop: haircut with bright blond highlights (end of summer in time for uni) and some weight loss. Who the fuck needs New Year's resolutions? Full steam ahead!

Cheers.

Inside and Out

I really want to post my latest piece of art done with my shiny new tablet but it was only partially done with the help of said tablet thus I will wait till I'm done my actual first-tablet-work-of-art to post both.

I was recently commenting on a friend's journal when the thought and talk of spontaneously combusting caused me to think of pinata (even though pinatas dont spontaneously combust). I wondered what that would feel like - not to be beaten to a pulp until candy pours out of you. No, rather, if I were a pinata, what candy would come out of me?

Call me arrogant, but it wouldn't be dollar store candy like those Spinder-Man Pez & Popeye Candy Sticks. I suppose it would be a mix of alot of different varieties of candy and chocolate, some bitter, some not so.

I guess gummy bears would definitely be a part of it cuz they're hard to bite off but mushy when warmed. Lindt chocolate because it's ever a mystery how the middle stays so soft while the outside shell hardens; because its sensual and melts on your tongue. Ferrero Rocher - because I love it. Kit Kat because it is a tasteless, cookie wafer covered in chocolate, which makes it worthwhile. Reeses Pieces because I used to hate Reese's cups until I tried the pieces and realized that good things can come in all shapes and forms and that one form shouldn't condemn another.

Liquer-filled dark chocolate for all the reasons you can know and just one more you dont. Packets of sour Skittles would flow out of me, too, for those more than often grumpy-puss days. No caramel, please, I despise it. Actually, I harbour a short temper and a penchant to hate hard and fast - like caramel. Okay, so maybe some caramel chocolate too. I would have a few Kisses but only the striped ones because they're multi-faceted and change everytime you turn them. I would also have Hubba-Bubba Bubblegum flavoured because I'm sometimes old fashioned and classic and the kid inside me never died, in fact the adult inside of me never came out truth be told (read immature).
Chocolate chip cookie dough straight from the packet for those lazy days. Gourmet Candy, Godiva's Dark Chocolate and Hershey's Cookies n' Cream. Cuz...I'm brown? Hah.

What candy would come out of you if you were a pinata? I wonder that. All these people I know...not candy and chocolate that they love...but rather candy and chocolate that is representative of them. The analysis of that, however, could take a longer post. Better save it for another time, my freshly enameled nails are now dry.

Cheers.

Smells like New Technology

In stock, waiting to be posted or published are as snippets and pieces of writing that are masquerading as "fresh", "questioning" or explorative works penned. But everything has a time and a place and at this time, I want to say just this. Just two things.




This too shall pass. In its passing, I shall be naught but humbled and grateful of anything it teaches me and en generale.

and

Things aren't as big, grand, complicated or dramatic as your mind makes it.


The End.

P.S. I feel I must catalog this. After four years of wishing and wanting I finally had the balls and guts to get a tablet. Side effects may be increased anti-social behaviours but I'm feeling this feeling that's hard to describe. Disbelief may best capture it but not disbelief at holding the lovely sleek thing in my hands nor at having finally bought it or having the means to. No, that I expected would one day happen. That I invested in and paid attention to an acute part of my love for art, so acute you could name the hunger to create and inspire as longing.

Actually I'm surprised at now having one most important thing crossed of The Grand Maestro List. Slowly, I'm working upon what I sought, touching those areas. The action of completing it and crossing it out is what takes me by surprise. Pleasantly so. For maybe everything else isn't as impossible either. I'm not being bolstered by a mere piece of technology, no, it is not as juvenile or as simple as that. But rather, these years, all these years of longing and wishing and dreaing and hoping and working may, it seems, finally come to fruition on a grander scale if something this small that I poured so much longing and wishing into finally came to be.