Suddenly I See

It may not seem like a big thing to most people, actually, to anybody at all. One might think that the frenzy I create over the acquisition of something as a milestone in my small life is pretentious, ridiculous, dramatic and just bordering on sheer lunacy (case in point: Wacom Tablet). Trying to make something into what its not.

But I alone know what these small acquisitions mean and represent and though the time space continuum shifts are small (if changed at all) by these, the amount of history, inflection and heartache traversed to be able to reach this point is something only I can understand and few others can appreciate. Actually, only two.

I finally did it. July 23rd, 2008. I finally got off my lazy ass, defied all laws and rules (of this damn establishment) and went and became the independent version of the self cast in my mind. I got contacts.

That's right. What to some may seem so infitesimal a move so as to be laughable is actually to me a shift in the direction (whether right or wrong, who knows, that classifcation is partial and arbitrary). Sounding louder than the superficial or practical reasons for getting them are the consequences of getting them. I defied and turned a deaf ear to adversities (read, my ridiculous brown parents - yes that was necessary), harnessed the power of my financial selfworth (which is newfound and quite wonderful as aggravating as the job may be) and I got out of this state of self deprecation and hopeless frustrating loss.

I quit daydreaming, speculating, hoping, wishing, fearing, guilting, casting, and blindly feeling around for fucking once and actually took that paintbrush and not only painted that view of myself but filled it up. In colour.

I have waited for this turn for about 5 years now. I've waited for the image in my mind which is both physical and this freer spiritual concept of myself to match the short, kiddy, inadequate, slightly dumpy looking thing that I actually am. I feel more grand. No, I always feel grand in my head but now I feel grand about feeling grand. It is, without a doubt, most lovely.

Progression and progressive. World be damned. That was always my attitude. Then why do I fear? Why does it take me so long to act upon? Is it that I'm a paper tiger? Is it that I lack the energy or the sense of excitement and life that I'm always talking about achieving? Or do I just suffer from the same ailment as so many others: content to dream and hope but scared that fulfiling that image may lead me to idleness once that image has been filled up; scare, in short of the end being less impressive than the journey? I'm impulsive but only when it comes to emotions and taking action on those; what about reaching the better state of things, shouldn't I be more heady with those? Oh, and I plan to (hah, irony), once I have the luxury of jumping without looking. For now I'll cast a quick gleeful glance at my list and cross yet another wonderful thing off it.

Next stop: haircut with bright blond highlights (end of summer in time for uni) and some weight loss. Who the fuck needs New Year's resolutions? Full steam ahead!

Cheers.