Malcontent.

The sun has finally come out in Toronto. And I don't mean the fake sun -- where it's -20 outside and whipping wind but it's deceptively beautiful or the snow is so bright it blinds you kind of sun -- no, I mean real honest-to-goodness spring/summer sun. Warm and glowing and receptive, welcoming and uplifting, almost motherly as it watches over you, watches you frolick and bask kind of sun.

I do love winter...I love the way everything gets very quiet. There's no other way to describe it but I've always noticed as october turns into november, once all the leaves are gone, once the air starts to shimmer with the promise of snow, everything gets really - silent. As I walk from home to the bust stop, I hear solitary crows or ravens calling to each other forlornly and my heels echo in the vast corridors of residential, suburban, cookie cutter houses with neatly-trimmed front lawns and three mercedes' in the drive, just for the heck of it.

I really fucking hate markham. It is a hole of no end, a deep abyss where everything goes to die -- or settle and have 2.5 kids on 2.5 acres with 2.5 nannies and 2.5 cars with 2.5 pets. It's not only isolation, it's not only the ridiculous smell of farms mixed with urbanization and domesticity, no, it's the way Markham kills absolutely any creative spirit with the posh prevalence of money. Richmond Hill and Thornhill are worse still. No, it's not that I don't appreciate living in an area where the crime rate is virtually zero and the only problem we have is grow-ops but -- why the manicured-ness? Why does every island traffic divider have to have flowers? What is so "quaint" and "charming" about Main Street anyway? Why is First Markham Place and blood silvercity at the richmond hill BUST STOP and Ten Ren/go for tea/east beaver creek the only ACTUAL place to hang out? And why, why, why, in the name of sweet beavers is it that the only thing you can do in markham is shop -- the alternative to which is eat?

My hatred, this sour taste on my tongue that screws up my face almost unrecognizably, extends (or is slowly extending) to Toronto. Sharp intake of breath! I know! Blasphemous! I know! And then...actually, the country. Egads, she is off her rocker, this is treason! But it's true. Walking down Queen Street last night only made me realize this even more. Toronto's downtown is ridiculously small. But even small areas can have hubbub, excitement. Seems nothing has changed though (besides 187287878.3487 condos going up) Bay St. is still Bay St. Bloor is still bloody Bloor and The World's Biggest Bookstore is still another name for Heather Reisman's indie-bookstore eating mega-chain. If it sounds like I'm crying for some authenticity, I'm not. There are plenty of pretty little boutiques, lovely starter businesses, plenty of competition, vintage clothing stores, comic book emporiums and record stores.

But there's no feeling. Crossing the street at the downtown core (whatever your core is -- Harbourfront, Union, Queen's Quay, Bloor, UofTville) at its most busiest time of day doesn't give you this feeling of metropolitan insomnia, big-city inspiration. Mostly, you marvel at the architecture or the pretty day or the funny people but your heart doesn't linger on the city. I find that sad. And it's like that with the whole damn country. Everything is burgeoning, everything is underdeveloped. It's small-scale and that's fine. I guess some people are content with that, drawn to that. Some people love Montreal's art-fashion-club scene.

Maybe I'm expecting too much, comparing it with cities in my head like London and New York, Bombay and Dubai. Maybe the time-factor is too hard to overcome just right now -- these places have been around forever (with the exception of dubai, lol). Or maybe the charm of Toronto, given it's size is just more subjective -- requires a different eye. Or maybe it takes a different kind of person to love it. And those are all fine. Maybe I've been here so long, I need a fresh pair of eyes to like it again. But I didnt fall in love with it instantaneously so tepid, lukewarm like is the only return I can hope for. Bearing that in mind, I think that the time has come -- or is soon approaching -- where malcontent for Markham, for Toronto and overwhelming love for...the world, really, is going to catapult me to action.

For now, I must make do with the promise of summer and endless evenings, crepes (yum), pandas in lattes (yumm-ier), beaches, and reading.

Love...And Other Disasters.

It seems inevitable. You know that thing...that phenomenon? The one where, as soon as you become acutely aware of something or a realization occurs, that thing starts to show up everywhere? You notice it everywhere you go; or it really becomes that ubiquitous, as though the universe may be trying to setting up Vegas-style neon coloured signs of what to focus on. For me, all signs point to single-girl-dom and city-life.

After sightseeing for a few days, I hunkered down to a spate of movies, courtesy of HBO and Star Movies. I caught Love and Other Disasters. Others may scoff at her but I think Brittany Murphy is a top-class actress and totally underrated. If you look past the blonde locks and breathy voice, you'll see that she nails her characters with an air of unpractised ease. In Love and Other Disasters, she was playing a 20-something American intern at UK Vogue and I thought she pulled off the in-between accent so well. You know, the one that's hardest to do - because she was in the middle of an American accent but aptly stressed the right words with just the right amount of inflection. And she was consistent. Also, her choice of movies = impeccable and interesting.

Anyway, the allure of the movie (besides Santiago Cabrerra...dear god, I could just spread him on a cracker...) was the city of London. Which, of course, is vastly different from New York City. The main practices are the same - fashion, love, sex, nights out, local watering holes, gay roommates and sky-high rent - but the people, the attitudes are worlds apart. Which I thought the film captured silently and particularly well. You could spot it if you were looking at it.

Being in Singapore, which is a perpetual city and damn proud of it, reminds me of the lonliness of being within a city crowd. The consuming ache you feel after you step back on to the curb, after having just been in a crowd of poeple crossing the road and yet wanting absolutely no one to jostle you.

The shopping here is...unbelieveable. I've been to new York so many times now that the shopping just doesn't faze me - plus some of the hype is just that: hype. You have to know where to look, where to shop. And while that is true even of Singapore, where Fendi and Vuitton lives near vintage, somehow, it seems like everything is alot more accessible here in Singapore. Probably because I could catch a ride and cross the country in less than 20 minutes. Me, myself, I've been gorging on the piles of one-of designs and dresses, nameless t-shirts, funky shoes. Appearance here is a huge deal. I'd wager that, on average, Singaporeans spend at least 100/wk on shoes and clothes. Easily. And that is just the low end. Shopping is the national pastime here.

The level of safety is also amazing. I can catch a cab at 2 in the morning, hop up to a eating centre (yes...this is Singapore's second national pastime...and yet somehow everyone is super skiny. You thought French women were elusive...but these people are just magical - or very scary) and not worry about where I am or what time it is. As a chick...it's refreshing. Because, yes, you could hop a cabbie in NY or T.O. but there are always places that you know you shouldn't be going. It's not really like that here.

I don't know if I've spent money wisely perse, but I certainly know that I've bought from the heart. Each and every single one of my purchases has been completely whimsical, instinctual, with the speed of love-at-first-sight, not paying heed to the amount of money remaining until it was all gone. In my defense, I did take the time to feel slightly guilty (also known as Post-Shopper's Guilt Syndrome) but then rationalized that this is what I had set the money out for in the first place. And even though I got a few items for a...larger amount of money, I'd rather have quality than have multiple copies of the same shitty t-shirts. So many dresses! It was every girly-girl's vintage bohemian dream. I really must post pictures of my finds...they're like treasures.

When the money was gone, I spent a day in mourning of all the shoes and dresses and skirts that would never know a home in my closet and then moved on to sightseeing. Not really much to see - this is my second visit here. And the allure of the animal zoos, bird parks, butterfly conservatories has now been replaced with the grown-up 20 year old realization that zoos are hot and smelly (and how many variations of an elephant can you see?), birds poop alot and butterflys are beautiful but giant INSECTS. So I focused more on my surroundings, the people, the places, the smell. The good, the bad, the facades, the lights.

I missed Singapore Fashion Week so the Marc by Marc Jacobs exhibit was gone. But I did pay a visit to the National Museum of Singapore, the Ancient Civilization exhibit and the Singapore Art Gallery. Nothing really compared to the National Reserve Library, though. The nerd in me (which is 99/9% of my being) screamed for joy and was shamelessly and lustfully infatuated by the gorgeous library of glass and mahogany and steel. I finished off some research for my Saudi project, got a few sources. Nothing could parallel the feleing of immense...belonging and peace that settled over me as I got back to academia for three hours. Wow...guess this is proof beyond doubt of my hermitaged future.

I also hit the (Eye of London) Singapore Flyer. I insisted we go at nighttime, because city lights are what my heart soars highest for. Pictures to come, I had a shitty disposable with me so once that gets developed...=( but anyhow, it was nothing short of magical. Granted, I kept trying to super impose my beloved NY skyline on the view at the very top but Singapore is really booming - and beautiful beyond words at night. I reckon that in a couple of years, they'll have a killer skyline of their own. Of course, NYC shall still eternally pwn them. The cabin itself was gorgeous, especially at night, all lit up and spacious. My girlfriend kept telling me with a pang that though she loves being single, she wished had an on-call boyfriend to spend romantic moments like this with. I kept telling her I wished I had a digital SLR for moments like this. She told me my priorities were worrying.

The quiet days are now coming to an end, what with my three younger cousins returning but not before I had a chance to visit Chinatown, wherein I proceeded to buy dirt-cheap crap for friends and Little India (wherein I got stared down by women and ogled by men like the foreigner I am). After some healthy haggling in Pagoda Street, I ended up getting some fabulous kimono-type bathrobes for Mother and I. If I spoke like that I would say that they were really quite a steal - that is a big if, however. In Little India, it started to rain, thankfully, so people ran out of sight and into shops while I stayed out and got drenched but got some lovely shots of alleyways and gaudy Christmas lights strung over shops. Amazing.

I also applied for the TIFF as a volunteer but ended up doing the most effing STUPID thing. I hit the submit button without sending my resume in. So after freaking out for three minutes, I then filled out another application and realized that, if I were the interview people, I'd disqualify me just for erring in such a large way, taking it as an ominous sign of volunteer incapabilities. Fuck man. Fingers crossed though - hopefully, they won't notice; besides, there are so many Sarah's in the world, bless their souls. It's easy to get mixed up, right? That's what I keep telling myself, at least.

OOh! I also got a chance to see the very cool, very hip, soul-pumping, adrenaline-chugging band, Voodoo Singapore. In front of Paragon, a group of six or seven boys smashed the living daylights out of drums and various percussion instruments in an unbelieveable coordinated effort and produced some of the most beautiful music I have ever heard. I'm making it my personal mission to spread the word about them - it was so capturing, like nothing I've ever heard before. It made me wish I was their manager or I was the daughter of some hot-shot music producer or record label head honcho bloke because then I could totally pass on their music. The way they jsut had SO much fun working off each other, working the crowd, killing the beat on those drums - unbloodybelieveable. I'm in love. With music. Again. Sigh. Open air music gigs are alot more fun than those within an arena or club or indoor space. I guess it depends on the bands and their audio acoustics but I could say without fear of argument that percussion was made for an outdoor jam session. Check them out at http://www.myspace.com/VoodooSG. I keep trying to find some vids on youtube...so far a no-go. But the outdoor busking is sure to continue and, like a true groupie, I shall surely follow.


There is alot more to come, I'm sure. These past few days have been quite and lazy. Still, there's to weeks more before I return to reality and do things such as apply to OSAP and argue when I get turned down because my father makes to much, trying to swing the fact that I am an independent and no longer a minor, look for places to live in T.O., and scrounge up money for living. =)

Tune in next time as Sarah tries to look for an internship in 2010 at Conde Nast and Mirabai Films.

cheers.

In the Here. And Now.

These are not New Year's resolutions. Personally, I think new year's resolutions are silly and one dimensional and I'm simultaneously amused and aggravated by the need for a new year to come so that change can be spurred.


However, I'm not completely closed off to the infectious reborn spirit that tingles the air.

The past few weeks have been...tumultuous. I have sunk from one low to the next and have wrote such depressing posts that they are fit only to be unpublished and I hope they never surface and see the light of day. I think that was really important though. I surrounded myself with every single thing, thought, notion and aspect that would overwhelm me in mourning and grief. Music, places, feelings, thoughts, artifacts, plans, pro-con lists. I spread it all around me and devoured every last one.

There are two points in a mourning period. One, in which your grief overwhelms you; the more you think about lifting your head, the farther it drops. You want to grieve, you want to be depressed. And the other is when you completely shake off this feeling - not only of the grief, but also of that feeling of wanting to drown in its swell. People say that this is when you get over it. But that's not true. This point is when you meet the grief head to head. When you've sunk so low that you can finally meet that grief and come to terms with it.

In a manner of speaking, I was grieving. I was grieving for a good many things, good people. The loss seems like a death of sorts - death of a love, death of a dream - and the unknowing: not knowing, as I stand at this crossroads, which path I should take, how much I trust myself, where to turn and whom to turn to. How to pick what it is I want to do, or change or be when there's just so much to do and change and be.


I have finally reached a point in which I no longer want to grieve. I no longer want to sink and wallow and tread. I am still in the process of discussion with that grief; we're still setting out the terms. But there are certain things that we - I - have absolutely established beyond a modicum of doubt.


Firstly, what is past...truly is past. It is gone. It is neither touchable through memory nor through time. It is gone. What could have been will always be rosier than what is now. That is a given. Secondly, from what is gone, something can always be rebuilt. I think of this like the rebirth of a phoenix or the remains of a hurricane. A phoenix dies by erupting into flame and as a piece of matter that once was, it leaves behind other matter - ashes. The death is heartbreaking but it is organic. Because there is always matter left in the wake of the destruction with which to rebuild oneself, to be reborn. The baby phoenix rises from the ashes. A hurricane ravages and eats and completely consumes people's homes, their livelihoods and any ounce of sense they have been able to understand. But once it quietens down, the remains of wood and debris, of cables and clothes, are the symbols of destruction with which people's lives are rebuilt.


Matter begets matter. One is never left with absolutely nothing. One is never washed ashore with nothing. In the chasm between what once was and what is now, there is a vaccum for the birth of what will be.

I'm not yet sure what it will be. But I think that I've been putting way too much emphasis on what it should be and setting myself up for disappointment. There is nothing exploratory in an absolute projection of a future. Telling myself, internalizing, that things will be this way and that, that I will be this way and that, is silly. It makes no sense. I'm not getting out there and doing it, fulfilling it - whatever it may be. Instead, I'm moping that it's not happening and I'm not there. But I didn't know where exactly I wanted to be.

I'm going to go really slow. Intrinsically, that is very hard for me - in fact, is goes against the very definition of me. I'm impulsive and emotional and heady (Aries, after all :D). I jump from one thing to the next. But I'm really going to take the time to take it all in. I'm not going to ride the constant adrenaline wave because, really, I can't anymore. I've lost all sense of direction and I need to regain it. Well, I need to gain it because who knows if I had it to begin with. Everything seems illusatory and dream-like these days.

Anyhow, these are some things that I have carefully thought in what seems like my time in exile. Not hasty, impulsive decisions, but real, actual actions.

I'm going to volunteer. One of my problems these past few months have been that I've been completely overwhelmed. I'm absolutely, mentally swamped with everything - the state of the world. There are just so many causes to take up, so many ways in which to advocate those causes and yet still many more places in which they plague. There's injustice everywhere. How do you tackle it all at once? How do you save the world from it's own catatonic self?

I'm going to write a letter to him. It will not be a silent one. It will not be a disasterous one like the rory-writes-dean-a-letter-and-he-gets-thrown-out. It will be an apology letter. It will be a letter not because I have no courage to face him but because somethings are better said in print. With such fragile memories as people have come to have (slight sarcastic undertone), a letter would seem to have greater longevity. And brevity. The boy I knew is done and gone now and there is nothing so relieving as that lingering note of finality. He is - in a manner of speaking - dead and this new person is a stranger to me. I have no intention that our lives should ever cross again but if it does, I want there to be no bitterness.

I'm going to take dl.

I'm going to create. I'm going to give life to all those ideas. I'm not going to leave them half-baked. I really do think creation is complete immortality and beauty intertwined and forgive me for my follies/vices but I do want to be part of such a beguiling thing.

I'm going to see the city.

I'm going to learn one new thing every single day. No matter its triviality.

I'm going to be wrapped up like this - cautious and deliberate - for a while, until I figure everything out. Most importantly, I'm going to be in the here and the now, Now.