Rampant thoughts on a mock European bus

Thankfully, I caught the ghost bus this morning. The Viva, which is Toronto/GTA's pseudo-european answer to express bus service in an area only recently cultivated for the housing boom but was previously acres of desolate farmland, is usually jam packed in the morning, especially by the time it gets to Woodbine & Hwy 7.

The ghost bus was characteristically quiet this morning. Not too many occupants, and empty seats. I stretched my legs at leisure and piled the adjacent seats with my so-heavy-could-be-carrying-a-corpse backpack. So there I sat, with bright, sharp morning sunlight streaming in and hiding the fugitive wind of a cold March morning, blaring my John Mayer.

Whether or not you mean to, it's always fun to listen to people's conversations, and hard to miss if they're talking particularly loud. There were two guys talking about...anything and everything. Aah, just my type of conversation (no sarcasm intended). I paid no attention - they were talking about the Bible & hypocrisy (man, is that a tired topic) - but then the words "Loan payback" drifted to my seat and tapped me persuasively on my shoulder. And so the volum on my ipod dropped to a hum.

I didn't care much for the particulars: the amount of his loan or anything like that. These guys were talking about being students and their plans for LIFE. It's been plaguing my own mind for a long while now so I decided to learn what I could.

They were just as green as me, of course, not really veterans in being homeless/penniless students but...their approach was different. Their outlook was what I like to adopt and stick to on good days and that I hopelessly drop and succumb to fear on bad days. Naturally, for me, there are more bad days than good; funny how that works. They figured, whatever happens, happens.

So this was the gist of the conversation:

Boy 1: ....and I've got my OSAP loan and line of credit. I figure I can at least pay off my line of credit

Boy 2: How much is your line of credit?

Boy 1: Oh...like 18, 20K? Yeah, it's not too bad...it's a mountain but it's a doable mountain, you know? Like I could work for a year straight and just pay that shit off so it's not too bad. Like, right now I make all the minimum payments...and there was a point in time where I'd make like a full payment....yeah, me and my parents were really good at that time. We'd talk and all, our relationship got better and I kept paying the full amount for like six, seven months straight. But then...man, I don't even know what happened but I stopped paying full...and I even missed a payment. So my dad got really pissed. Whatever man.

Boy 2: Hah. Shit. So what do you think?

Boy 1: Seriously, man, I don't care. My parents are all like, what the hell are you going to do with your life, you're not getting an actual degree of use, you're going to be homeless and live in a hole. And I'm like, what the hell? How do other people live? Like, there are so many kdis with Arts degrees and they're actually doing stuff with their lives, you know? They figure things out, I will too.

Boy 2: Mhmm...

Boy 1: Like, they work, pay, go to school. They travel. Okay, there's this guy I know. He's in university and this summer he's going to BC 'cuz he's writing this book. Artists and Life Art or something like that. And he's doing this project, you know? And he's like, if I'd come out and help him with research and editing, he'd pay for my flight ticket. Crazy, right? But here he is, doing something with his life. Stuff like that.

Boy 2: For sure man. Like people just get caught up in work and jobs and whatever.

Boy 1: Exactly. There's this girl I know. All she does is work for a year, saves up as much as can. Puts half toward her tuition and then save the rest for traveling. That's all she does: works and travels. And then the next year she goes to school. Like that's amazing you know? She fucking knows how to live her life.

Boy 2: Are you serious? She just...travels?

Boy 1: Yeah man, she takes like 3 or 4 jobs through the year and earns all she can. It's crazy. And so awesome. But you know what, that's the way to be! Like, I'm not worried about stuff. There's no rush for me, and people figure things out, you know? Just because you're an Arts grad, doesn't mean you're going to be broke. It annoys me when people think that way or say that to you.


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I found this to be...not quite an eye-opener, because I've met and talked to people like this before. But to have this to consider in the morning, when I've been thinking about this all along...to have it come from strangers was...thought-inducing.

Because it's something that is hard for me to grasp or fully apply to my own life. I'm torn between being an idealist and just being...practical. And the biggest struggle for me right now is, yes, the money, yes what the hell am I going to do in the future, but also, when the hell is it going to finally happen. There's honour...doing the right thing at the right time, finishing a degree in four years getting a job, making some money to pay back those loans. And then there's freedom where someone like the aforementioned girl works and lives her gawdamn life!

I don't know the answers to anything yet, and my head was swimming, hearing this. It wasn't a new sentiment. It's been expressed before. But in trying to apply it to my own life, I'm held back by fear. Great and immense, bottomless fear that doesn't usually tinge my behaviour or my thoughts.

A very big part of me is still stuck in that room in Waterloo, worrying about honour and freedom and the cost of pursuing your dreams and the tradeoffs, the sacrifices, the depression, the idealism, the follow-through and the potential for failure. A big part of me is still that timid girl crying over the phone, is still battling with my father, is still lacking coherency and stability. Is still missing in action in a very big way.

And as though my ipod could read my mind (and I swear it does this often), their conversation prophetically ended to the beginning of Dave Brubeck's Take Five. Life is so uncannily stylish, sometimes, it's scary. Take Five indeed.

pre exam musings

Gosh, I absolutely LOVE The Who. Behind Blue Eyes? That was more than just genius, you cant even label it genius and then slide it aside, no no, it has a very eerie quality to it. In its quiet, seething anger. Melancholy but bubbling at the surface.

Piano, piano, piano, piano, buildup, climax, BAM! BAMBAM! BAM! BAMBAM! Omg absolute and utter LOVE. This song hits me SO very hard and I'm absolutely in love with it. And not just the intro. The best part is picking out the various variations in key during the intro, feeling with every nerve the anticipation. It's enough to drive anyone mad - the best kind of music.

I really need to learn how to play Baba O'Riley/Teenage Wasteland...I would so teach myself but I have no piano! *cries* If only I were back on res. I used to skip the caf (and actual people) and go up and play coldplay all afternoon. I miss res...or rather, I miss being on campus. The all night study session...the coffee rings on my books. It was grungy but enchanting in a strange way.

I traded all the coolness and freedom for good meals and roof over my head. And a steady inflow of television. And my own room. Godamn, I am SUCH a sellout. What they say about students - that they're starving and maniacal and will go almost anywhere for food? - is true. If I wasn't so sickly complacently placated with things like not having to pay rent...I would be disgusted with myself. But somehow I don't think an Arts degree is worth 20K. No offense arts/humanities kids...I feel your pain, i do. blame the childhood indian guilt-tripping, okay?

I really do hate this place though. The worst is having left and then having to return. shit. okay. an end to this pointless post. Just to say - really need to find myself a piano.

Oh - on a side note: I'm heading to London for the weekend. First weekend I've had off in a very long long time. i hear western's the place to be HARHAR. Shall...nerdly party with ter and whatnot. Long live the lost weekend? I'm also excited for july - montreal + russell peters! holy crap! We're most probably going to absolutely paint the town an invisible shade of red. For now, I must go study for Bio. I have House M.D. on in the background as I work out pedigree and genetics charts. It's a nice catalyst <3. Gawd, I do love this show. And wow, this is such a nonsense sporadic post. Oh well. Sense is for sods.

Cheers.