Dear Alexander McQueen,

Please stop killing armadillos to make shoes. No, please don't pretend, as others going mental over your abominations are that this is in any way post-modern fashion. In fact, it's not really fashion at all. If you are trying to bring the back surrealist or dadist movement and undermine our sensibilities by presenting such - disgusting clunkers, may I suggest a nice healthy dose of Krazy Katz and Ignatz to wash away those Surrealist blues?

We can even tolerate those...strange stilters tiled with skulls and towering on unwieldy spindles of double platforms. Heck, if Chloe can pull off double platforms why can't you? But - erm, these are not shoes. Yes, of course, we agree with you: fashion is wearable art. These are not art. We're not sure what they are having never seen anything quite so ugly before. We will gladly pick up a pair of Uggs in exchange that each and every one of these...creatures be burned and stamped out.

Ohhh, you clever minx! People just love a trend! They love to be outrageous. Everything seems so accesible! We can have a piece of the fame by owning these shoes! And you know this don't you? Otherwise, what (besides a bad trip to the bathroom) could have prompted you to design these?

Are you trying to unleash an epidemic around the world, now you've heard we're overdue? Are you trying to wipe out any modicum of sanity we have left? May we point out that just because the crazies (gaga and cruella deville guinness) have decided to encase their feet in vases of the 6th century BC, we really don't take that kindly to someone trying to case us in goat's feet?

We hoped that your shoes possessed a shred of transcendental quality - that eventually they would grow on us like the 2008 product of the Madonna and Justin Timberlake collaboration. Rather, we suspect, things will start to grow out of it, soon, given its current toxicity. In any case, everytime we look at it, for some sign of redemption, it, if possible, becomes more and more hideous.

May we suggest, as an immediate tonic, that you return to the drawing board and give Manolo Blahnik a call? Heck, go crazy, make it a party and call Christian Louboutin. Being creative doesn't mean you have to be on crack. You don't have to be alone. Help them help you get through this. Return to us. Also, Lovers: wearing these does not make you a walking canvas - you'd have to be able to walk in them first. Oh and - where did we get with that burning idea...?

Day <--> Night by Daphne Guiness

Mmm...Shoes.

The story of Beatrix Ong and the Hermos boot

YEAH. Enough said. These are quite possibly the sexiest boots alive. They are so beautifully English - I could wear these on a dozen things. I am quite obsessed with British things (must be the occupied Indian in me). They are just the most perfect riding boots...that alternate as a piece de resistance. I mean...you could walk around naked in those boots and still be classy. Not that I would walk around naked in these...I have yet to build up a body for that - currently I'm alternating between Bridget Jones on my lower half and someone thin on my upper half. What I'd like to be is April Wilkner all over.

And just because I love her so much - APRIL SPAM

Back to the boots:

Of course, at 198 quid, these are understandably out of stock. Sounds like a bit of a sham, very sketchy, really, because the official site states them for £264. Which...when you do the conversion, comes to about $479 CDN. Which, along with delivery/shipping makes me shiver in my knickers that this is wholly more than I pay on a visa bill in a month. It is nearly half my limit and that is...scary as shit. It is not more than I would pay in rent, since real estate is not really THAT down in Toronto. The only reason that keeps resounding in my head is that perhaps I should invest them now because this is one of the last times in my life where I won't have to worry about rent.

Also, I hate that I'm doing such a silly, frivolous post; the poor-rich girl likes, all she worries about is if she can afford shoes. But seriously...I would live in these shoes. Also, women are justified, especially single ones because they are prey to the metropolises they live in and have no one to badger about leaving the toilet seat up. So they must occupy themselves with shoes. Personally, in my experiences, shoes are a better investment anyway. Though the bitches will sometimes pop their heels or break a strap if they're feeling particularly underloved.

Really don't know how/when I'm going to be able to shell out enough money to buy these but, essentially, I must raid my the cracks of my couch and under my bed and in old jeans pockets before november. This is rather inconvenient, me falling in love with these shoes because I was kind of saving up for these (much less expensive but no less sexy in their own right) Steve Maddens:

So BRIGGHT

God...they're sexy. The boots. And I would finally own a piece of the british brilliance that is beatrix ong. Someday, I will not be poor. And by not be poor I mean able to afford shoes on a whim despite exorbitant rent-like prices.