It is really very annoying when you hit that age - that really annoying age where people can't tell how old you are. At least...that's what has always happened with me. People can never tell how old I am - either i'm 12 or i'm 21. It's very strange, not to mention, extremely bloody annoying.
I'm wary of walking down the street with my parents. I now refuse to walk down the street (or anywhere for that matter) with my father, alone, if my mother is not there. Because - YES, this actually happens - people think I'm his wife. And that has such icky connotations, I can't even begin to unpack it, besides not wanting to unpack it. My mother and I look alot alike - and so people think "hmm, they are sisters". And this is really fucking annoying. Because, yes, my mother looks young....but she does not look THAT young. so either I look old and tired or she looks sparkling and young...which, no offense mom, you don't.
This is the occupational hazard of having parents that are far too young to be your parents. It's very annoying; either you're the wife or the dumpy sister and I want to scream at people's extreme stupidities for generalizing and thinking one way or the other. Having young parents is solely embarassing and, even though they can get you underage drinks, and you could potentially party with them doesn't mean you WANT to.
It was absolutely mortifying, for example, when my father would come to pick me up in his rare occasions of fatherly duty from my high school. And there would be a group of afghan girls that would stare and giggle as he passed. It was really quite nauseating, the way they would look back and pointedly stare him down, as if baiting him. It made me gag, not only at the process of the main human mating ritual (because this stare was not only reserved for him - it was pretty much there for any male in the school, the attitude being, look, drool and don't touch; affirmation basically, ugh, sickening) but because my father was the object of it.
My parents got married young - 21 (well...it's young in my books) and had a kid the very next year. So basically they were kids having a kid (and I turned out really messed up and neurotic for it). While all the other parents are now 50 or approaching such, my parents are approaching 41 or 45.
The curse (or blessing) of the genes in our family makes it so that all the women (on my mother's side) are slight and...lineless for the most part. My grandmother is 65 but looks like she is 50. It's really quite disconcerting. My mother, similarly, is 43...but pretty much looks like she is 32. But, no, I will NOT concede to the fact that she looks my age (and I, by default thus look her age) because that is a first-glance exaggeration.
The non-aging thing got passed on to me. Generally, women who are shorter and slighter look younger anyway, but at least my mother looks mature. I am on the short side, with a slight build and - I have glasses. Shit. I...look like a woman-child, which is very annoying. When I dress up, however, I look like I'm ready to bust a move because I'm naturally curvaceous yet my face is young. It is very, very annoying. I am a woman child and that makes me sad. It also gives me no hope for the future because I will forever look young (kiddy young), and not tall and amazing like that KT Tunstall song.
And its not just getting carded - who cares about that crap. It's the fact that, when I was in grade 7 and I wore dorky butterfly clips, this really big boobed fast assed blonde is like omg are you in grade 3? even though our classes were RIGHT next to each other and i was a chatterbox so she knew who i was. Dumb cow.
I really just wish people would stop generalizing, however, and use their brains. My friend, Katharine has a fifteen year difference with her little brother - me, i'm not so bad, its only a 10 year difference with my younger brother. Yet, whenever she was out for a walk with him, or pushing his stroller, people would shoot her dirty looks. They all automatically assumed: teenage pregnancy.
You know what? Fuck you. Pardon my french. But wow, can you not take TWO seconds to UN-generalize and UN-assume about people? Is that so hard? To look at people and NOT cast a judgement on what infitesimal detail you THINK you've discerned? Upon close inspection, me and mother not only look differentiable, but it is clear who is the mother and who is the daughter. But people always fucking generalize: "Oh my god, you two are sisters!" And it's not just flattery; people with no motives, nothing behind their words other than what they think is keen observation, will say this. And it gets me angry. Not because this means either that she's impossibly young or that I'm glaringly old. But because, people are constantly generalizing. About everything: culture, hair, race, clothes, what have you.
And quite frankly, it's disheartening.
So next time you see a really old guy with a really young chick. Don't pass judgement. Don't try to figure out their relationship - it doesn't concern you! Marvel at them individually, if there is anything to marvel at and make rational statements. And to all afghan girls at Marc Garneau, my father is not on the market. So piss off.
Cheers.
Showing posts with label youth. Show all posts
Showing posts with label youth. Show all posts
Monday, March 16, 2009
Saturday, December 20, 2008
In Comprehension
I don't understand people who get married early in life. Youth marriages. I mean, I want to keep an open mind and not be judgemental and I'm trying very hard not to be but I cannot help that quizzical brow and the wrinkling of the nose, so automated in its reaction to the words "getting married - young".
I don't know why I'm so averse to it, but its understandable, I suppose, what with all the socialization, western thought and technique and sacrifice of family for the sake of progress. We seem to be bombarded by those. The accomplishments and milestones, the set courses in life that you must run. Times have changed and so have goals. Along with those, man's ambition has evolved in pockets of the world. Globalized, urban pockets, that is. Anything else is backcountry, right?
That sort of dismissive mindset really disgusts me. That progression is the only thing that is right, that the corporate culture is the only one with sense. Humans are individual and with their own sensibilities so the lifestyles they live are only a reflection of that. Youth marriages are hard enough without the rest of the Western world casting a pathetic look in your direction.
I might not be a look-caster but I am most certainly a nose-wrinkler. I feel a sort of distaste or a gap in comprehension when I hear about people within this western society, this immediate metropolitan atmosphere, who sign their lives at 18. It is as though there is a fence, then a chasm and then another fence and I can't seem to make the jump of recognition from one fence to the other.
Of course, the first thing I try to do when synthesizing a foreign practice is place myself, free of inhibitions, into it. That's where I believe understanding and tolerance comes from. Acceptance. And to a certain, extent, I completely understand. Objectively speaking, I am able to make that leap of comprehension. But when I apply my character and my understanding of this western youth's character to the concept of early marriage, something doesn't click. Something is amiss and I can't take the leap of faith, though comprehension is there.
Yes, most youth on this continent are serial monogamists or one-night-standers or experimental. In antiquity, the cap on life was 27. Then, it was 35. Now, it's 75. The more time we take to "get settled", the greater our obsession to prolong our lives. And it is this same society who falls prey to these preset notions of when one should have a job/car/mortgage/whitefence/children that creates these standards. So as life prolongs, so to do our list of things we wish to accomplish or must needs do before we can be married or settled or tied or however else one may wish to see it.
Marriage takes up responsibility and most kids (I use this term to encompass teens and the early twentysomethings) run far, far, far away from something even remotely resembling or reeking of responsibility. They cannot lift their heads enough to take responsibility of their own world. How might they ever hope to raise a family unit? Some people are judt dumb and walk into marriage blindly, like its a cakewalk. They don't realize what sort of committment it requires, and how much sacrifice it calls on. Then they file for divorce and when they're 30, they use it as an anecdote at weddings and when they've popped back one too many. Others do realize it and are willing and ready and eager. They are sincere and fully understanding of what marriage entails.
That is what scares the bejeezus out of me. That, knowing what it takes and what it entails, the amount of sacrifice and such, they still walk into it and try and make it work. Quite a few early marriages are residues of unwanted pregnancies. From those, only about half survive and end in bitter, closeted resentment or boring, routine lives anyway. The rest are mutual and steeped in love but aren't able to face the storms without being weathered down in sanity.
The thing is...I don't look down upon early marriage. I just feel...there is so much of the world to see and experience. And yes, seeing it with the one person you love...why would anyone deprive themselves of that? They shouldn't and they wouldn't. But that rosy picture is only there for a moment. My own distrust of early marriages, I confess, might have something to do with my distrust in marriage at all. But I'm not allowing that to cloud my thinking. I'm saying, maturity is something one cultivates in hindsight. And marriage is not a game...it's a real collaboration of two people, as different as one another, and is binding. Early marriages often lack maturity, especilaly when surrounded by the metropolis. Because then you must tie in ego and colour the picture red with ambition and lust and gloss. Working together is hard enough...but working through all that - does one in this western culture really have the maturity to deal with something like marriage?
No. Yes, I will give my sound opinion on this: the answer is no. The evidence? The amount of divorce. Okay, so you cannot distinguish which of these divorces are the result of early marriagae or not. But that is not my point. I'm saying, that the rate of divorce is so high is very telling because, if those married at a later point in life cannot hope to make it through without calling it quits, what is the guarantee that the younger ones will? Yes, there is no guarantee. And yes, age does not necessarily equal maturity. But the thing is, out here, it is so easy to file for divorce. There is little to no cultural stigma attached to getting a divorce or being the child of a divorced parent and a part of a blended family. This is not true for all cultures or all parts of the world. The very fact that the rate of divorce is so high speaks only of the fact that people are just not willing to try and give their marriage a chance. Divorce is like their rainy day colouring book. People use it not as a last resort but as a first, one-way ticket out of a sticky situation. It's like a Get Out of Jail Free Pass.
So early marriages freak me out because, personally, I am selfish. I couldn't imagine giving up my life before I had to. Personally, I am never going to get married, but I do envy those people that have a leaning towards the white-picket fence life. I love that there are people around me who do want to have a husband or wife and share a love that is founded. I am skeptical of such a love - but for myself. I believe that this love is there for other people - I am just not born with that luck nor feeling.
But anyhow, my freedom is very precious to me. I cannot even be in a relationship that doesn't get me antsy past one month. I'm notorious like that; everyone knows a runaway bride like me. Fine. The situation of early marriage could never appeal nor ever synthesize with a character like mine because everything I've fought for in my life goes against the very statement of marriage. Plus, I've never witnessed a marriage ever actually work, thus my skepticism.
But when I apply the theory of early marriage to myself, ignoring my character, I find that it makes sense. As long as you know what you are in for, it makes perfect sense that you not waste time and start living with the one you love, for you will do it sooner or later. And why later than sooner? It still, however, scares me to no end.
It's not the sex, it's not the finances, it's not the thought of kids, or routine or eternal happiness & mediocrity. Well, it's not just that. It's the fact that the cap on life has changed. Even in culutres around the world, even in traditionalist, or rural areas, humans lives have changed. The time we have on earth has shifted. Someday, it might shift again. Maybe I am the byproduct of the ambition so secretly bred in this metropolitan atmosphere. But I just feel that in this long life, with this shift and change in time, there is so so so very much to see and do. There is so much to touch and feel. You could make your own personal imprint in the world. Or you could make your own personal imprint on the world.
All I can think of when I think of early marriage and this concept of a grander life and the fact that I view marriage as an end of an era is this:
Thetis: I knew they would come for you...long before you were born. I knew they would come. They want you to fight in Troy.
Achilles: Mother. Tonight I decide.
Thetis: If you stay in Larisa, you will find peace. You will find a wonderful woman. You'll have sons and daughters, and they will have children. And they will love you. When you are gone, they will remember you. But when you're children are dead and their children after them, your name will be lost. If you go to Troy, glory will be yours. They will write stories about your victories for thousands of years. The world will remember your name. But if you go to Troy, you will never come home. For your glory walks hand in hand with your doom.
I don't know why I'm so averse to it, but its understandable, I suppose, what with all the socialization, western thought and technique and sacrifice of family for the sake of progress. We seem to be bombarded by those. The accomplishments and milestones, the set courses in life that you must run. Times have changed and so have goals. Along with those, man's ambition has evolved in pockets of the world. Globalized, urban pockets, that is. Anything else is backcountry, right?
That sort of dismissive mindset really disgusts me. That progression is the only thing that is right, that the corporate culture is the only one with sense. Humans are individual and with their own sensibilities so the lifestyles they live are only a reflection of that. Youth marriages are hard enough without the rest of the Western world casting a pathetic look in your direction.
I might not be a look-caster but I am most certainly a nose-wrinkler. I feel a sort of distaste or a gap in comprehension when I hear about people within this western society, this immediate metropolitan atmosphere, who sign their lives at 18. It is as though there is a fence, then a chasm and then another fence and I can't seem to make the jump of recognition from one fence to the other.
Of course, the first thing I try to do when synthesizing a foreign practice is place myself, free of inhibitions, into it. That's where I believe understanding and tolerance comes from. Acceptance. And to a certain, extent, I completely understand. Objectively speaking, I am able to make that leap of comprehension. But when I apply my character and my understanding of this western youth's character to the concept of early marriage, something doesn't click. Something is amiss and I can't take the leap of faith, though comprehension is there.
Yes, most youth on this continent are serial monogamists or one-night-standers or experimental. In antiquity, the cap on life was 27. Then, it was 35. Now, it's 75. The more time we take to "get settled", the greater our obsession to prolong our lives. And it is this same society who falls prey to these preset notions of when one should have a job/car/mortgage/whitefence/children that creates these standards. So as life prolongs, so to do our list of things we wish to accomplish or must needs do before we can be married or settled or tied or however else one may wish to see it.
Marriage takes up responsibility and most kids (I use this term to encompass teens and the early twentysomethings) run far, far, far away from something even remotely resembling or reeking of responsibility. They cannot lift their heads enough to take responsibility of their own world. How might they ever hope to raise a family unit? Some people are judt dumb and walk into marriage blindly, like its a cakewalk. They don't realize what sort of committment it requires, and how much sacrifice it calls on. Then they file for divorce and when they're 30, they use it as an anecdote at weddings and when they've popped back one too many. Others do realize it and are willing and ready and eager. They are sincere and fully understanding of what marriage entails.
That is what scares the bejeezus out of me. That, knowing what it takes and what it entails, the amount of sacrifice and such, they still walk into it and try and make it work. Quite a few early marriages are residues of unwanted pregnancies. From those, only about half survive and end in bitter, closeted resentment or boring, routine lives anyway. The rest are mutual and steeped in love but aren't able to face the storms without being weathered down in sanity.
The thing is...I don't look down upon early marriage. I just feel...there is so much of the world to see and experience. And yes, seeing it with the one person you love...why would anyone deprive themselves of that? They shouldn't and they wouldn't. But that rosy picture is only there for a moment. My own distrust of early marriages, I confess, might have something to do with my distrust in marriage at all. But I'm not allowing that to cloud my thinking. I'm saying, maturity is something one cultivates in hindsight. And marriage is not a game...it's a real collaboration of two people, as different as one another, and is binding. Early marriages often lack maturity, especilaly when surrounded by the metropolis. Because then you must tie in ego and colour the picture red with ambition and lust and gloss. Working together is hard enough...but working through all that - does one in this western culture really have the maturity to deal with something like marriage?
No. Yes, I will give my sound opinion on this: the answer is no. The evidence? The amount of divorce. Okay, so you cannot distinguish which of these divorces are the result of early marriagae or not. But that is not my point. I'm saying, that the rate of divorce is so high is very telling because, if those married at a later point in life cannot hope to make it through without calling it quits, what is the guarantee that the younger ones will? Yes, there is no guarantee. And yes, age does not necessarily equal maturity. But the thing is, out here, it is so easy to file for divorce. There is little to no cultural stigma attached to getting a divorce or being the child of a divorced parent and a part of a blended family. This is not true for all cultures or all parts of the world. The very fact that the rate of divorce is so high speaks only of the fact that people are just not willing to try and give their marriage a chance. Divorce is like their rainy day colouring book. People use it not as a last resort but as a first, one-way ticket out of a sticky situation. It's like a Get Out of Jail Free Pass.
So early marriages freak me out because, personally, I am selfish. I couldn't imagine giving up my life before I had to. Personally, I am never going to get married, but I do envy those people that have a leaning towards the white-picket fence life. I love that there are people around me who do want to have a husband or wife and share a love that is founded. I am skeptical of such a love - but for myself. I believe that this love is there for other people - I am just not born with that luck nor feeling.
But anyhow, my freedom is very precious to me. I cannot even be in a relationship that doesn't get me antsy past one month. I'm notorious like that; everyone knows a runaway bride like me. Fine. The situation of early marriage could never appeal nor ever synthesize with a character like mine because everything I've fought for in my life goes against the very statement of marriage. Plus, I've never witnessed a marriage ever actually work, thus my skepticism.
But when I apply the theory of early marriage to myself, ignoring my character, I find that it makes sense. As long as you know what you are in for, it makes perfect sense that you not waste time and start living with the one you love, for you will do it sooner or later. And why later than sooner? It still, however, scares me to no end.
It's not the sex, it's not the finances, it's not the thought of kids, or routine or eternal happiness & mediocrity. Well, it's not just that. It's the fact that the cap on life has changed. Even in culutres around the world, even in traditionalist, or rural areas, humans lives have changed. The time we have on earth has shifted. Someday, it might shift again. Maybe I am the byproduct of the ambition so secretly bred in this metropolitan atmosphere. But I just feel that in this long life, with this shift and change in time, there is so so so very much to see and do. There is so much to touch and feel. You could make your own personal imprint in the world. Or you could make your own personal imprint on the world.
All I can think of when I think of early marriage and this concept of a grander life and the fact that I view marriage as an end of an era is this:
Thetis: I knew they would come for you...long before you were born. I knew they would come. They want you to fight in Troy.
Achilles: Mother. Tonight I decide.
Thetis: If you stay in Larisa, you will find peace. You will find a wonderful woman. You'll have sons and daughters, and they will have children. And they will love you. When you are gone, they will remember you. But when you're children are dead and their children after them, your name will be lost. If you go to Troy, glory will be yours. They will write stories about your victories for thousands of years. The world will remember your name. But if you go to Troy, you will never come home. For your glory walks hand in hand with your doom.
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