PhOnOgRaPhY

I'm so bloody...lethargic. It's been a looooong time since I've been this depressed. Like...since fall of '07. Nothing can alleviate me and nothing can shut my brain down. I wouldn't even mind if it was just recurring feelings of immense sadness if only i could shut my fucking brain up.



I cannot believe these words are about to come out of my...mouth? head? It is SO not me and i wrinkle my nose at people who choose to do this. But gawd, I just want to get very. very. pissed right now. Like, excessively drunk.



There is this strange gaping hole in the middle of my heart, almost a vaccum of non-existence. Sometime down the lane I will re-read this stupid entry and simultaneously laugh and gag at the sheer stupidity and whinyness/jadedness of it. But for now I just...i can't shut my brain off. And I have the creeping feeling that there is some ulterior emotion lurking deep within; one that i can't seem to express or figure out and just...shed it. If I were drunk not only would the world be blissfully spinning and nonsensical, it would be perfectly fine for it to be this way and my mind wouldn't question, just be lulled into a lovely, false sense of security.



I want to be standing in the middle of an extremely noisy room, everyone dancing and being excessively sweaty and scandalous and have myself be completely lost, just trying to regain my footing. Lights everywhere, on and off, world upside down. Trying to shake my head out of the stupor and then get another Stella. Gawd, I need this just to end and I really can't think of a better way than to regret the morning after. At least then, the regret would seem justifiable. I want to absolutely drown under a steady pour of mind-numbing alcohol and just be the worse for wear for it.



Hermitizing can only take you so far. Everytime I lift my head up and consider it, I feel incessantly weighted and go back down again. I think many people had the right idea but my integrity keeps fucking getting in the way! And i love my integrity, it is very dear to me! But damn and BLAST I wish I could just shut it out. So many go to university and become complete sellouts: they stop thinking, they stop being who they were except for a socializing, studying, boozing clubbing one-dimensional version of what they used to be. I feel so ashamed saying this because it's not really true, in the bigger picture, in the grander scheme of things but: I wish I could do that. I wish I could completely shut down and just be concerned with the stupid, dull, sordid affairs of others or the miniscule crap like who's shagging who and wtf my tennis partner totally stood me up.

It would be alright.